[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Mood.. 😂