pep talk
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.