If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.