Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”