Donkey I Shreked the Kids
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The glockness monster
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.