Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
New Tinder profile.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t