Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST