If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*