I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.