Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.