Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.