Was it something I said?
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.