my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave