just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.