*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
be careful
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.