My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
this is uni
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.