Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.