Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again