I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*