One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.