As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Webb. James Webb.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.