Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I needed a laugh this morning.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.