I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
i spent way too long on this
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal