when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.