Yep, it’s trueππΌπππ
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since sheβs not wrong Iβm wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and Iβm wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: Whatβs the bottle of champagne for?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and itβs βabsolutely drainingβ. Heβs been at it for 32 minutes.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
βShe liked it but it didnβt have a bay window for her cat,β said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! π₯°π₯°π₯°
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Thursday Thought.
My 8yr oldβs home from school and that means Iβll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while sheβs trying to record videos.