I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
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cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet