Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: