Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan