I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m not proud
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My daily affirmation
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.