[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
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Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out