I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
You Might Also Like
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.