If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I am, perchance
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes