The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it