whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Mistakes were made
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.