paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
#parenting
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious