A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.