My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.