Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
couldn’t resist
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him