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Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Oh boy, $150,000!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: