The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You Might Also Like
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.