My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….