If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo