A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
getting groceries
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
i- i did not expect this
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals