Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb