{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Happy Friday
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.