[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Poetry is my passion
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.