Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.