British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong