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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I can’t deal with men any longer
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.