My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.